D I A R Y :

2024/08/01

I've read once that people do not go back to who they were before a loss. They move forward with space in their hearts explicitly made for that love and loss, forever changed. You are in my thoughts. I love you so much. Rest peacefully.

2024/07/16

I am the most indecisive person on planet Earth. I wish I could say I am as confident as I appear. I need to seriously start believing in myself more. Now that we're in the midst of summer, I've been very isolated. It's not a bad thing, but when it comes to connections, things get weird when feelings are involved. So I retract myself when I catch somebody interested in me. It's not that I fault them, but they don't really know me lol. Infatuation is a strange thing. The past is something to be destroyed but not entirely discarded; there are some valuable lessons there. I hate yearning, the pining. But I'm slowly mastering detachment from every single person that's mattered to me. It's helped me a lot, figuring out where I stand in people's lives and all. "It's not that deep" is something I live by now because it isn't a big deal, even when I think it is. I'm in this strange atmosphere of being around but not so available. It feels good. Prioritizing myself and finding that self-love and happiness begins with me.

2024/04/13

The day before yesterday I had a unexplained strange experience. It was finally raining on that day, and we haven't had rain but snow for months. Anyways, I was in search of my phone and while my sister, dad, and mom were downstairs. I was trying to find my phone around the house, eventually I did. And when I set the phone aside on my desk I stepped out of my room. Now here's the weird part. I took a few steps, and one step literally caused me to have a full vision white out. It was bizzare. All I saw was white and no sound. I was trying to look around but I felt like I had no body and while this lasted for a good 2 seconds, it felt like a while. I recall talking in my mind. "This isn't reality. Why is it so white, where am I? What's this?" And then I snapped back to reality. I'm STILL trying to process this, but after the fact my brother left his room and came up to me and said, "Did you hear that loud thunder?" I didn't so genuinely I told him I didn't hear anything. I know I feel that my mind is trying to play tricks on me again. But it's even more bizzare that my father had a similiar experience. I wanted to document this bc I felt that maybe it's something, or maybe it is all in my head. Idk. It's unexplained I suppose. I told my family about this and honestly can't make much of it, nor can my friends. I wasin't dizzy or had a faint feeling but lately my head has been feeling quite strange even when I type this. I can't really explain it but yeah, weird stuff.

2024/03/17

The term is finally coming to an end, whether I pass or not won't be such a big hit or miss - I'm chill now with whatever the results will be. This month was a huge revelation for me, on so many fronts. Firstly, I'm strongly considering changing my real name. And there is nothing wrong with it per se, I think I reached a point where I am tired of being in a permanent state of needing to correct someone's pronunciation of it. Even my brother can't pronounce it right lol, so, I'm hoping everyone can just be chill about it and accept this new name that'll be way easier to pronounce since it won't have so many variations- regardless, I have plans on changing it next month. Alma. Which means "Soul" in spanish, I really like it, always have. Secondly, I've been chopping friendships that have been with me since forever ago. One in specifically hurt the most. Bc we were in the middle of NMH 3 run - nearing the end, but alas, he has some serious growing up to do - and I'm not about to sacrifice my own well being for his entertainment. Thirdly? My sister is coming back from her vaca this week, I'm really looking forward to seeing her and the kids. I've missed them so- and I hope everything by the end of this month will be peachy. ( that new princess peach game is coming out so let's get itttt.)

2024/03/10

i have no need for revenge i am no longer yours and that is punishment enough.

2024/02/23

I made a new theme with a style reminiscent of me, and a K/L twist. No More Heroes is my absolute favorite, so it needed to be done. I'll likely add more pages in the future to match my fresh aesthetic. A quick update: things are seemingly okay. I've been gaming more and watching friends game too, which is really the solace of my days. Ninja Gaiden and DOA5 have been on my radar for a long time. They were games I played since childhood, so they hold a special place for me now that I'm an adult. I love older games. They have a charm to them that can't be replicated nowadays. Since Rebirth is on the way, I won't completely discard my current games - it just means there's going to be a lot on my plate. I'm so excited though. Nothing screams excitment when I'll have to shut the whole world around me when it comes out.

2024/02/18

I just want a true love and true loving you, even if it brings me pain, give me what I want...I just wanna real love and real loving you...I just want to keep loving you dead or alive.

2024/02/16

I'm feeling a crazy burnout in my work and yeah, it's affected me kind of emotionally. I know I just need a break from school, so I'm thinking of taking one term off to just relax and do me. It would be nice to just be happy in my own element rn rather than rushing the work and not fully being present. I'm trying not to get distracted, as of rn? I'm just trying to be happier more and most importantly balanced. I miss some friends, but they'll never catch me begging for their time again. It's nothing on them, but I see myself getting attached way more than I'd like to admit so I think seperating myself from the 'constant consistency' could help me feel better without all that yearning shit.

2024/02/10:

I'm learning a lot. I feel that I am slowly getting better at stuff. I know this because when I notice others that are 'off the rails', I just shrug it off and do my own thing. The only person I am in control of is myself and we're vibing. Yeah, January is a sham but it's expected at this point. It doesn't really matter. Because the next month and after will always be better. I do need to improve in quite a few things though, such as communicating when it feels difficult to breathe in the space. I'm learning to be my authentic self at this point. What's the use in hiding anyways? That's never been me, but lately, I've noticed it. The running away from problems - mind you - it never works. Lol. Again, I'm learning to get better. There is always room for improvement. There were a few relationships that aren't meant to be. To be completely honest about it all? I wish them well because I couldn't do you no harm.

2024/02/07: livin with anxiety but I'm gonna get better. One way or another.

2024/02/03: Rest in Peace to our friendship. It was nice knowing ya.

2024/02/01: Call me a phantom cause I ain't gonna be around for long.

2024/02/01: I wish you can communicate to me like an actual friend.